Seven Signs Your Body Image is Bruised

Plus five solutions! This is such a great post- take a moment to read it at PsychCentral. I think I have fewer negative body image issues in my 40s than I did in my teens, but I still have trouble hanging out in a bathing suit with friends. (In my teens, I wouldn't even go to a pool.)

There's also an interesting discussion going on at the NYT Well blog about the post. Lots of insightful comments.

I Can Walk and Chew Gum at the Same Time: HYC Update

I'm so proud to be slapping a "30 Pounds Lost" badge on the blog! I'm down 1.8 pounds since my last weigh-in.

I'm Still Here...

Sorry to be AWOL for so long! And thank you so much for checking in with me and leaving comments... it means so much.

I teach a one unit class at a Junior College- it's shorter than the semester-length courses so usually there are a variety of "start dates" for each section. My schedule this semester looked normal enough, until I realized that from October to middle of November I would be teaching three sections at once! It's not a pretty sight, let me tell you. I haven't had much mental energy for anything other than prep work, lectures and grading, grading grading. The house is a wreck, but I somehow managed to get through my youngest boy's birthday and Halloween with all the attendant baking, school parties, etc. I've even managed to keep up my workout schedule... almost! I missed a couple of days here and there, but I'm very happy to report that it was only a couple of days.

Which leads me to one of the intriguing questions of the GAG challenge for this week: "What makes this weight loss effort different than any previous attempts?" What a great question! Perhaps I like it because this effort is different. Since January, I've lost around 33 pounds. It's been a very slow process-- averaging about a pound a week, with several long periods of seemingly endless plateaus. (Hence the blog name.) I'm not crash dieting, I'm not on "a program," I'm not on any kind of medication... what I'm doing now is the simplest thing in the world: eating mindfully and exercising So why haven't I done it before? I wish I knew. I think this go 'round is successful because of my state of mind. Since I'm not dieting, I can't fail. Since I can't fail, I can't give up and go back to bingeing- if I want to binge I go right ahead, but it's then clear to me that something's amiss, which I'll need to figure out because bingeing is such a ridiculous way to sort out my problems. I still sometimes do it, but in kind of a "mini" way... for example...

Last week I had an overwhelming urge to make some nachos. I threw some Trader Joe's blue corn chips on a plate and grated some light Havarti cheese on the top, then microwaved it, all the while thinking "I wonder what's wrong?" It came to me that I was stressed about my workload and the impossibility of everything getting done by my Thursday night class. I decided to give myself an extra week to grade and concentrate on updating my lecture for the week (it was a week where my students had an assignment that they didn't need back right away). That calmed me down a bit, but I still craved nachos. I made another half-plate. I was getting close to being uncomfortably full, but I felt satisfied. I decided not to eat again until I was hungry. And I didn't. And then I felt fine. I remember reading on someone's blog a Weight Watchers maxim: "You're only one meal away from being on plan." This really resonated with me. In my thirty... oh, man, almost forty years of dieting... I always thought that once I'd binged, all bets were off. I would then "go off" my diet for days, weeks or months- it was almost a relief to binge and go crazy! Then the awful pattern would begin again. So, now the binges are tiny. I try to figure out why I'm feeling binge-y, then I stop when I can. Maybe one day I'll progress to the point where I can skip the binge completely.

The exercise bit is also new. It wasn't until I was a grown-up that I realized I actually liked to exercise, and it's a major part of my life now. I've accepted that this is a long journey... although I would love to be at my goal tomorrow, it's just not going to happen that way. I crash dieted for decades, really, and it took me that long to figure out that it doesn't work. A slow learner, indeed.

Real vs. Perceived Size

Have you ever been surprised at your own size? I was at my son's back-to-school night the week before last, scoping out where to sit and subconsciously doing the "How fat am I in comparison to other people" mind-game... I picked a seat, next to a woman I'd identified mentally as a regular size-- certainly not fat. (This was all completely subconscious, mind you, I didn't know I was actually doing it until the next part happened...) I took my seat, glanced over at the the thighs of the woman in the seat next to me, and was shocked-- her thighs were about twice the size of mine. After pondering this for a split second, I thought: if this regular-sized woman is larger than me, is there a possibility that I am a regular size, too? How would I judge myself if were a stranger? It was a bit disconcerting, but in a nice way- a round-about way of seeing that I'm no longer obese, just large. How about you- has your own self-perception been challenged out of the blue like this?

Coming Down With "Something"...

One by one, my family's been socked with "something"... I don't think it's the flu because there's no fever, just a yucky nose and throat thing. But it's bad. And it's coming for me. I can feel it in my throat now. (My Brit husband calls this "having a throat" as in "I've got a bit of a throat." Well, yeah.) We seem to have timed this well, though... he was suffering more on Monday and Tuesday, I'm just getting it now... so somehow the boys have been clothed and fed and brought to and fetched from school this week.

I've always wished that I were one of those people who lost their appetites when they got sick... I hate it when I can't taste what I'm eating, but I seem to be able to eat- nooooo problem! Feh.

My Dreams and Desires: Dull, Dull, Dull

This is how I answered last week's Challenge question about my wildest dreams, desires and passions:

I suppose my biggest dream now is to have my family dig ourselves out of the financial situation we're in. We're perpetually broke in an attempt to pay off our credit cards... but I know if we keep at it, some day we'll be debt and worry-free, at least financially speaking. I work part time, and I applied for but didn't get a full time job in my department this year. It would have been a god-send financially, but if I ask myself if I REALLY want to work 40+ hours a week, plus try my hardest to be an effective, loving mom and wife... the answer is emphatically "No!" I'm happy working part time, I'm not the most ambitious person when it comes to my career. Everything in my life (finally) is great, except for that one, huge stressor... after many tough years. I be slender and fit, wear fabulous clothes, learn to sew fabulous clothes, see the Giants win a world series and a couple hundred more shows of my favorite musician... in my wildest dreams, I'd like to completely rebuild and re-landscape our house and add an amazing swimming pool. I want to create a fabulous kitchen garden with a grove of fruit trees and learn how to do home canning.

That answer just emerged from my fingertips, so to speak... almost like automatic writing. After re-reading it, it occurred to me that my wildest dreams aren't really that wild at all! Quite domestic, actually! All pretty do-able, with the possible exception of the major rebuilding and re-landscaping. (For that, I'll have to rely on HGTV's Dream House sweepstakes, which I plan to win then use the proceeds to revamp my house, as I love where I live, but my house is pretty awful. I plan this every year, but every year they persist in letting someone else win. Irritating.) It was really liberating to see just how do-able my goals are... we can get a handle on our finances if we're persistent and disciplined... I can continue to work on mindful eating and exercising and have a slender, toned body... I will take a sewing class! None of the dreams I listed are unattainable, which feels pretty darn good. But also... I realize that they all take patience and time, which is- let's face it- boring. I fervently hope that I'll be able to soldier past the drudgery and achieve my boring dreams.

Hey, all the cool GAGgers are filching their questionnaire answers for a blog post! Let's have at it...

Do you feel your eating habits that ended you into this challenge are a direct result of habits formed during childhood? (Please explain)
Yes, definitely! I lived alone with a single mom, who was slender as a child and young woman... but by the time I came along, had learned to use food as a form of solace. Unfortunately, I learned the whole gamut of unhealthy food/diet behaviors at my mom's knee: excessive overeating, excessive dieting, food as emotional rescue, food as the focus of life. She wasn't a very active person, either, so the activity in my life consisted mostly of PE class (which I considered torture!).

Tell me about your living situation. Are you married? Kids? In College? What is your life like OUTSIDE of weightloss?

I've been married to a wonderful man for seven years, we have a five year old son. My husband is British, so we had the thrill of experiencing a trans-continental romance before we figured out the whole "fiancee visa" thing (not fun). I have a fifteen year old son from a previous marriage- I don't recommend spacing your children like that but life sometimes happens in mysterious ways. I work as a part-time college instructor and librarian. (And when times are tight... like now... eBay seller!)

If you were given a magic wand that you could use one time to do one thing, what would you use it for?

Selfish option: To never have to worry about money again.

Unselfish option: An end to violent ideological conflict.

What is your favorite thing about this time of year? Least favorite?

I love the golden autumnal light of Sonoma County, the warm days and foggy mornings, the anticipation of fun Fall and Winter holidays... I even love "back to school" even though nowadays it means a return to grading homework assignments. (And I love school supplies!) Least favorite: the shortened days, the feeling that another year is ending and the heating bills!

You have a day off, no responsibilities, so what will you do with it?

In fantasy-land: I'd spend the morning at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London, eat a curry for lunch, walk over the Millennium Bridge and spend the afternoon at the Tate Modern.

In reality-land: I'd read through *all* the blogs I follow in Google Reader, take a nice long walk among the McMansions, putter around the garden, do some baking and some crafting, then watch Mary Tyler Moore Show episodes on DVD.

What is YOUR sin food?

Predictably, chocolate.

You're in a foul mood, what lifts you out of it?

Hanging around family members who are in a good mood, listening to some Antonio Carlos Jobim, a ride on an old-fashioned roller coaster (the Giant Dipper in Santa Cruz, CA would be an excellent choice!).

You're in a good mood, what keeps you there?

Hanging around family members who are also in a good mood, exercising and eating mindfully.

What is one of your biggest struggles right now?

Eating mindfully and keeping up with work e-mail (argh!).

Your motivation is running low, where do you find your refill?

Hmmm... seeing the scale numbers go DOWN- even if it's just a little bit- is a great motivator. Looking at the differences in pictures taken at my highest and lowest weight, and looking at my weight graph for some graphic proof is helpful, too. And every positive decision (for example, every time I feel like having a snack without being hungry, then decide not to) acts as further motivation.

Your in house support (meaning the people in your life that you see face to face) is beginning to dictate your weightloss journey by telling you you're too heavy, or you're getting too thin, but you're not where you want to be. What do you do? How do you handle it?

Everyone is very supportive- so sabotaging behavior here, thank goodness. But if they suddenly turned on me... I guess I'd listen to them, nod politely, then ignore it! I'm grateful that I have such a supportive crew.

List me your favorite:
color: Silver? Orange? Green? It's really hard to choose!
smell: I love spice smells: cinnamon, ginger, cardamon, lemongrass, cumin, etc. New-mown grass, woodsmoke, gardenias, balsam/cedar (Christmas trees)... I'm definitely a fan of scents!
activity with your child: Riding bikes and watching videos.
Activity with your girlfriends/ guy buddies: Walking and watching videos!
way to relax: Watching videos? Yes, watching videos, snuggled in front of a fire, listening to the rain on the roof... perfect.

Where do you honestly see yourself at the end of this challenge?

I see myself having survived the holidays WITH a weight loss. This is a big deal for me, as it was some big-time bingeing activity during the last holiday season that made me wake up, start exercising and eating mindfully in 2009.

What are your goals AFTER Gag?

Keep on keepin' on! I hope to be doing what I'm doing for the rest of my life.

How do you think GAG is going so far? What would you like to see done differently?

You're doing a great job- it must be an an awful lot of work!!

Tell me all about your "typical" autumn weekend? Special activities that arise as well?

Grading papers, I'm afraid! We always go to the Farmer's Market and their are lots of fun events here in the fall: the Sonoma County Harvest Fair, visits to the pumpkin patch, the Glendi Festival, which is an international food, music and dancing festival (a fundraiser for a local Greek Orthodox Church)... and we just got back from the second annual Handcar Regatta! http://handcar-regatta.com/

How did you find GAG, and what made you commit to join?
I think I read about it on your blog! It seemed like the perfect challenge to get me through the holidays... as I mentioned before, they just about did me in last year!

If you could nominate one BIGGEST INSPIRATION out of all your Team Gaggers, who would you nominate?

I can't pick just one person! It's been really great to discover so many new bloggers through this challenge.

Please, tell me about you. What are your dreams? What are your desires for your life? What sparks the passion inside of you about your life? What goals do you have that seem impossible?

Very tough questions! I suppose my biggest dream now is to have my family dig ourselves out of the financial situation we're in. We're perpetually broke in an attempt to pay off our credit cards... but I know if we keep at it, some day we'll be debt and worry-free, at least financially speaking. I work part time, and I applied for but didn't get a full time job in my department this year. It would have been a god-send financially, but if I ask myself if I REALLY want to work 40+ hours a week, plus try my hardest to be an effective, loving mom and wife... the answer is emphatically "No!" I'm happy working part time, I'm not the most ambitious person when it comes to my career. Everything in my life (finally) is great, except for that one, huge stressor... after many tough years. I be slender and fit, wear fabulous clothes, learn to sew fabulous clothes, see the Giants win a world series and a couple hundred more shows of my favorite musician... in my wildest dreams, I'd like to completely rebuild and re-landscape our house and add an amazing swimming pool. I want to create a fabulous kitchen garden with a grove of fruit trees and learn how to do home canning. I have a secret hankering to move to England when we retire, but I know I'd miss the California weather. All of this seems pretty impossible, but then again... kinda not impossible! (It's not as if my life goal is to *marry* my favorite musician!) It seems that my goals and passions are pretty domestic, actually... Now, aren't you sorry you asked?!